Top 5 Best Adult Jokes

Current Rating: 4

A guy is out with buddies and has a few drinks and is feeling horny but true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What the hell did you put in my mouth?"

He says, "Two aspirin."

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"

He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."

Current Rating: 3.89

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.

One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said "Yes"

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

Current Rating: 3.69

While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter.

She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs, and you play the fiddle."

She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed and to their amazement, she began playing the fiddle with great natural skill.

She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis."

She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health. So she went back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus.

While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until she lets rip a humongous batch of anal air. She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know.

She goes back and puts another quarter in the machine. Out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex."

She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw around with for months, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to go at it like rutting pigs.

The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs. You've fiddled, you've farted, you've screwed around, and now you've missed your bus."

Current Rating: 3.67

A visitor to San Francisco is standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog. The dog leads the man into the street, where he is brushed by an oncoming car. The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a doggie treat, and gives it to the dog.

The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says, 'That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You must really love that dog.'

The blind man turns to the visitor and says, 'No, I'm gonna kick the dog's ass - I'm just trying to learn which end is which.'

Current Rating: 3.65

Little Johnny walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen she dress’s quickly and goes to find him.

Little Johnny sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You’re wasting your time," say’s Little Johnny.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."